Can We Live Fulfilled with Who We Are?

I do research everyday to find material that stimulates my thinking in areas I present to you. I cover a pretty wide swath from economics to self improvement. I often read two books a day.

My approaches to self improvement are looking for peak performance and peak happiness. Yesterday I read two books that approach peak performance and they had very different perspectives.

One of the books had a more profound affect on me because it covered a topic that is outside and yet very inside what I discuss. “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, Ph.D. was a surprise.  Brene’s specialty and doctorate are about shame. This is a term I have never heard and so I think it is pretty original with her.

She mentioned half way through the book that she is an alcoholic 15 years sober and it made me connect with her struggles and personality.

I feel I have a pretty idyllic life under my circumstances. The real estate industry collapsed on me and left me without a real skill that could be applied in the rapidly escalating unemployment paradigm.

Luckily I have earned enough money in my life that I could tap into some early Social Security benefits and get an income I could live on. After developing a brand new field for myself in Search Engine Optimization, I started improving web sites for online businesses.

It was a lot of work and I decided that if I lived frugally I could do what I really wanted and not have to generate more income. So I have moved to the beach and have really enjoyed how I spend my personal time. I write, exercise, surf, research, eat healthy, and spend a lot of time next to the ocean.

I never thought about the areas in which I might have shame. I never expected when I was young and buying Ferraris,  that I might be depending on Social Security for my income when I was older. I live in a great spot above the beach in a very cozy little apartment, but I have to explain how little it is to others. I don’t have or need a car because I don’t have a job and my community is totally self contained. Twice a month I hop on a bus to visit Wal-Mart and I travel on the train two blocks from my residence to visit other cities.

As a senior, I can ride the bus for $.75 and go anywhere in San Diego. The car I had was costing over $500 a month with loan, insurance, license, and maintenance. I have downsized into a very self sustaining life style that allows me to do what I really enjoy.

Yet on the other hand, I would feel very uncomfortable laying it all out for a stranger because it doesn’t match the “rich” life I used to live. The fact is, the previous happiness was based on acquisitions and spending. Now I am engaged in self fulfillment and exploration of who I am.

Brene makes a point that authenticity and being real is more important to happiness than pretending. She defines Authenticity as “the daily practice of letting go who we are supposed to be and embracing who we are”.

The heart of compassion is accepting who we are and then accepting others. We should not look up in envy or down in condescension at others because we are all very connected. As long as we live who we are and without comparison, we can feel very fulfilled.

Numbing is a word that we may not think about, but live everyday. To escape all the frustration and pain of every day existence, people tend to gift themselves compensation in various forms. It might be alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, sex, food, TV, and even anger.

As an alcoholic Brene used to say she drank to “take the edge off’. This is a term that alcoholics would not give much credence, but it expresses something we all do. We feel the adrenaline build up or the anxiety, or worry or frustration and we need to take the edge off.

I take very pro active steps to keep the edge off. I believe in healthy eating and fitness to feel the best I can. I don’t do it as an ideal, I practice it daily as a religion. I believe in lots of rest in between periods of intense effort or concentration. This keeps me working at my peak and prevents boredom from burn out in any one session.

I believe in recreation and relaxation to feel stimulated and refreshed. By the end of the day I rarely need to take as much edge off and each week I feel little need to blow out to compensate for the built up tension.

Accepting who we are, accepting how we live, accepting what we want out of life, and pro actively pursuing our passions can create a more purposeful life. We may have to face down the demons and put counter demon pro activity into play.

Letting the shame out is letting a light into the darkness. The more shame we live with, the more edge we might have to take off.

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Read  “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown Ph.D.

Her other book

I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn’t). Telling the Truth about Perfection, Inadequacy, and Power. By Brene Brown Ph.D.

She has an amazing website at http://www.ordinarycourage.com/

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